Welcome!

My name is Ashley.  I am happily married to my husband, Jeremy.  We have been married for three years.  We have two sons.  Jason, who is 13, and Evan, who is 2.  Our son, Jason, struggles daily with an extremely misunderstood and complicated mental illness, known as Bipolar Disorder.

A little background:  I was 16 years old when I found out that I was pregnant with Jason.  Two weeks after my 17th birthday, on April 15th, Jason came into this world.  He was a beautiful baby...of course, I am biased! :)  Very early in Jason's life, I began to notice "differences" about him when compared to other children.  One minute he would be overly excited to the point of annoying to the other kids, and the next minute he would be in the corner sulking and crying.  Now, I know some might say that those could be typical behaviors of very young children, but those behaviors have never fully subsided.  Jason was originally diagnosed as having ADHD, and he was given small doses of medication for that.  But as Jason began to get a little older and he began having more trouble in school, it became more and more obvious that what he was battling was much more than just ADHD.  At 9 years old, Jason began vandalizing school property, becoming more agitated and violent at home, and it was clear that he was socially very different from other children in school.  I decided that I needed help...in a big way!  I was able to get Jason into a psychiatrist through Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth.  After several sessions and observations, his psychiatrist diagnosed Jason with having mood disorder, or more specifically, Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder.

After days and days of researching this illness, it became very clear that she was right.  Jason fit every detail of Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder.  And, as devastating as it is to hear a label as serious as this on your child, it was a relief, as well.  For so many years, I questioned whether or not I was a bad mom.  I wondered if the young age that I gave birth to Jason left me ill-equipped with the knowledge and wisdom that only life experience can give to a woman to help her become a better mother.  And, while I know that I have made mistakes as a young mom (I am now 30 years old), I am also reassured that most of Jason's daily struggles stem from faulty wiring in his brain that is completely out of my control...or his.

We consistently arrived at every appointment.  We drove 2 1/2 hours to the doctor's office, and we drove 2 1/2 hours back home once every six weeks for several years.  Sometimes we arrived with good reports of improvements, and sometimes with bad reports, but we never faltered.  Ultimately, it wasn't enough.  Jason was getting older and maturing in a way that boys do around 12 years of age.  Puberty was hitting Jason like a ton of bricks...and it was making his illness significantly worse.

It all came to a head one day at school when another young man was tapping on the lunch table.  Jason was steadily getting annoyed by this (which, ironically, he annoys us by doing all the time!), and asked the kid to stop.  The kid just ignored Jason's request and kept tapping.  Jason doesn't really remember what happened next, but, as the school police officer (who was standing right in front of the action) told it, Jason jumped up from his seat and pinned the kid to the floor.  Needless to say, when I got the call from the school my heart dropped.  Jason was so terrified about what happened.  I will never forget the look in his eyes when I got to the school.  Not only did he react in such an extreme way, but he didn't even remember doing it.  Fearing more outbursts, I admitted him into a facility.  After a short two week stint at that psychiatric facility about 90 miles from home, I tried home-schooling Jason, but that just made things worse.  It didn't give Jason an outlet for his pent-up energy, and he had an outburst almost everyday.

Finally, his psychiatrist recommended a place that she felt he would benefit from.  We completed all the necessary paperwork and insurance hassles, and on February 9, 2010 Jason was admitted into Meridell Achievement Center.  When he was admitted my husband and I were told that his stay could be as long as 6 months...maybe more.  I drove 3 hours there and 3 hours back once a week for 5 straight months just to visit him and participate in family therapy (with the exception of a week or two due to poor behavior on Jason's part).  I went through a major depression and feeling of loss when Jason left.  It felt like our family wasn't whole, and it wouldn't be until Jason returned home.  Meridell proved to be such a blessing for us.  On July 5, 2010 I made that long drive for the last time, and this time I came home with my son.

Jason has made vast improvements, but he still has a long way to go.  While at Meridell, it was determined that Jason also suffers from something called Cerebral Dysrhythmia.  He will have to be on medication and be in counseling for the rest of his life.  And that is why I am writing this blog.  It is all about what is coming up ahead, and how we are coping with Jason's illness on a daily basis...our ups & downs.