A Letter to Jason

This blog is really a letter to Jason from me.  When my husband and I got married, Jason and I danced to "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.  I want to open my letter to Jason with my favorite lines from that song:

"Boy, don't you worry...you'll find yourself.

Follow your heart, and nothing else.

And you can do this, oh baby, if you try.

All that I want for you, my son,

Is to be satisfied."

To My Beautiful Son, Jason:

I know your life has already been filled with many ups and downs, but somehow you can still light up a room the moment you walk in.  You always manage to find the fun in life, and you have never lost your smile.  I know you worry about what others expect out of you, and what others think about you...but don't.  So many things come naturally for you.  I know you don't realize it, but you have so many things going for you.  It is too early in your life for you to be worried about what kids your age think about you.  You have plenty of years ahead of you to worry about other people's opinions.  Keep it simple...be yourself.  You are an extremely gentle, caring person.  I love watching you walk into a room with little children...they come running to you.  They can see your warm nature and your patience.  I have seen you when you think no one is watching, and you remind me of what it is to be young and carefree.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  I think you would have a completely different opinion about yourself.  I see an extremely handsome young man with all the potential in the world.  I see a lifetime of opportunities and possibilities...and I am hopeful for your future.  Don't let anyone tell you you're no one.  Don't let anyone make you feel less important than you are.  Most importantly, don't tell yourself those things.  I can promise you that, as your mother, I am going to make my fair share of mistakes.  And I can promise you that you and I are going to have our fights and disagreements, and I won't always handle it the right way.  But never, ever doubt the love I have for you.  You are so important and special to me.  There is no way I can explain to you in words how much I love you, but I hope you can see it and feel it in my actions.  Please, continue to be who you are, and don't focus all of your attention on the present.  Instead, set your sights towards your future...there is so much there waiting for you.  I love you with all of my heart, my son.

Love,

Mom

Not Much This Time 'Round

Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you view it!), I really don't have much to blog about or update on.  I do want to congratulate Jason on his awesome grades at the end of the third week of the first six weeks:

Pre-AP English - 95
Math - 84
Science - 90
Texas History - 77

His Texas History grade is a little lacking, but he still has three more weeks to bring it up.  Overall, I am so proud of his progress and his dedication...although, I am pretty sure it comes easier for him then he lets on! :)  He also had his first Madison Bison's football game of the season yesterday.  His team lost 16 to 28, but he sure played a heck of a game!  He is on the "A" team and played both ways, offensive and defensive, throughout most of the game.  Needless to say, he was completely exhausted by the time he finally got home!  And, even though this blog is about Jason and his Bipolar Disorder, I have some news of my own.  I started a new job on Monday, and I am happy to say that, if everything keeps going the way it has been so far, I will probably never have to look for another job again.  I can totally see this being the job I have until the day I retire!

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: A prophecy declared as the truth when it is actually false.  It may sufficiently influence people, either by fear or confusion, so that the outcome ultimately fulfills the once-false prophecy.  In other words, what we define as "real" we make real, consequently.

I have a love/hate relationship with the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy".  I love this phrase because it is so true...of course, that is why I hate it, as well!  In essence, what it really means goes back to the days when you were a young child and your mom or dad would say, "If you think you can't, you can't."  The negative creeps into your mind, and you are unable to do what you told yourself you couldn't do anyway.  In conjunction with this concept, if others repeatedly tell you that you can't do something or you aren't good enough then eventually you believe it, and what you were told you couldn't do you won't do.  I'm not just rambling.  I really do have a point...

This week has been a rocky one for Jason at school.  We had his first ARD meeting, and all of that went well.  It seems like the principal and everyone else concerned have a real desire to help Jason feel comfortable and succeed.  I am very hopeful!  During the ARD, the principal suggested that we go ahead and schedule a parent/teacher conference with all of Jason's teachers at one time so that they have the opportunity to give their input on how best to help him in their classrooms.  We were able to have that conference this morning.  For the most part, everything went pretty well.  Most of the issues the teachers were already seeing in their classes were not much different than I have been used to hearing.  They kind of went like this:  "Jason raises his hand too much", "Jason is constantly seeking attention", "Jason is a constant distraction in the classroom", etc.  All of those concerns I have become accustomed to.  But I think what bothered me the most was an issue that was brought up at the very beginning of our meeting.  It goes back to the English teacher I mentioned my last post.

First, I walk into a classroom, and all six teachers are sitting and watching me.  I can only describe it by saying that it felt like I was standing in front of a firing squad!  Then his English teacher decided to open the meeting by making the statement that her class is very advanced, and she didn't feel like Jason would do well in her class.  The defensive mother in me automatically wanted to stand up, get in her face, and ask her if she was insulting my son's intelligence....but I didn't.  I heard her out.  Then she proceeded to explain that in her class (because it is Pre-AP) things move very quickly, and she is afraid that Jason won't be able to keep up.  She mentioned that the reason for her concern was because one of the provisions in Jason's special education plan is for him be allotted extra time to complete assignments.  Then she said that he currently has an 88 average.  I didn't say all of the things that were on my mind at the time.  I just reassured her that I am her advocate at home.  I always make sure Jason does his homework, and I always follow up with the teachers to make sure they are getting his homework.  The discussion was pretty much dropped, and the other teachers continued with their observations of Jason.

But, honestly, part of me is hopping mad!  This teacher has already decided that Jason will not be successful in her class, and after what?  One week and an 88 average?  I don't feel like she is giving him a fair shot at all.  She has set up a self-fulfilling prophecy for Jason.  She is convinced that he won't make it, and now she is looking for every little thing he does wrong so that she can validate her preconceived notion.  Why is it such a bad thing that Jason should be allowed extra time to complete assignments?  Jason has a diagnosed disability...just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.  If Jason was physically disabled and in a wheelchair would she assume the same things?  Would she assume he couldn't keep up with the classwork, and that he would not succeed just because he was in a wheelchair?  Would she have a problem with granting him extra time to complete assignments?  I can somewhat understand the "mystery" of her not really knowing/understanding what she is dealing with, but I feel like Jason is more than capable of completing his work and making good grades in her class.

Maybe I am blinded by the defensive mother in me to the point that I am not seeing the full scope of things, but I feel like I am justified in my defensiveness.  Am I being irrational?

School Success

Well, Jason started back to school on Monday.  So far, everything seems okay.  He likes his schedule and says he likes all of his teachers.  There is nothing more scary for the parent of a bipolar child than the start of a new school year.  You go into it with high hopes, but you know that, at some point during the year, there will be at least one (if not more) "incident" that involves going up to the school and visiting with one of the assistant principals.  But here's hoping that doesn't happen!

It is only the third day of school, and I have already had to deal with a little controversy.  Jason originally wanted to have band as his elective, but we didn't know he would have to audition for the instrument he wanted to play.  So, on the second day of school I called the office to try and get his schedule changed so that his elective would be choir.  Fortunately, the school got back with me this morning, and said that everything would be taken care of.  The only class that has to be moved is English.  Jason is taking a "Pre-AP" English class this year.  The "AP" stands for advanced placement.  For a full description of what Pre-AP and AP courses are, click here.  Later this afternoon, the diagnostician for ARD (admission, review, and dismissal process for special education) contacted me asking if we could schedule Jason's re-admit ARD meeting.  We were able to get that scheduled for this coming Monday, but during the course of our conversation she indicated that one of Jason's teachers already had some "concerns" about Jason in her class.  As the parent of a child with Bipolar Disorder, my first thoughts were, "Oh my goodness, here we go already!  What did he do?"  She told me I could contact the Special Ed. Director at his school, and she would give me more information.  So I did.

I told her that I had been informed that a teacher was already having concerns about Jason, and I asked her if she could go into more detail.  She said that his new English teacher was just given notice that Jason was being moved from the class in which he was originally scheduled into her class, and based on Jason's record with being in the special education program and having been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder she wasn't sure if Pre-AP was best for him.  She was concerned that it would be "too advanced" for a student with his complications.  The assumption she made, which is common, is that students like Jason can't handle the pressure of an advanced class.  While I will acknowledge that Jason does get frustrated easily, it isn't fair to assume that he won't be successful in her class.

All kinds of fears creep up in my mind.  Is she going to be waiting for him to fail?  Looking for it even?  Is she going to give him just as fair a shot as the other students in her class, or is Jason just a ticking time bomb in her eyes?  Well, I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to, and I have to hope that, even though she has already brought this to someone else's attention, she will try to keep an open mind on Jason's behalf.  Every year I open the lines of communication with Jason's teachers by emailing them and asking them to let me know how he is behaving, how he is performing, and if they have any questions or concerns they need to address with me.  I will be sending those emails to his teachers on Monday.  I am hoping if she does have any issues she will feel free to share that with me.  Communication is key between me and his teachers, and I know that all of us working together can help Jason be successful in school.  Of course, alot of it is up to Jason, too.  So, here's to another school year...may it be a successful one!

Teenager Stuff vs. Bipolar Stuff

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did." --Newt Gingrich

I saw this quote on the Facebook page of the Child/Adolescent Bipolar Foundation, and I think it is such a true statement when trying to raise a child who suffers with bipolar disorder...or a child, period!  I have been struggling this past week with multiple issues, but I think what I am fighting is more typical teenage stuff and not so much bipolar stuff.  It is interesting how similar some of the behaviors are.  The tantrums, the arguing, the know-it-all attitude...it is very hard to judge which monster you are dealing with.  So, how do I differentiate?  Well, I am not a professional in either field, but I would have to say that I know when Jason is just acting like a teenager because he is fully aware of what he is doing.  Every sarcastic remark is intentional and almost rehearsed.  When he is raging he is not always conscious of what is coming out of his mouth, he usually doesn't remember much, if any, of what happened, and he is extremely remorseful.

I have found a solution that, admittedly, I am not the best at remembering to implement myself.  I put myself in time-out.  If you have never dealt with a child who has bipolar disorder I can assure you that there are times when my frustration level is at the brink.  I have found myself almost going into a rage just allowing Jason's actions to overcome my good sense.  But if I put myself in time-out I am better able to defuse the situation.

Putting yourself in "time-out" involves separating yourself from a situation that is causing you to feel like you are steadily losing self-control, and giving yourself time to relax and refocus.  Not only does it have benefits for you, but it is an excellent way to model positive coping skills to your children, bipolar or not.  An excellent resource for the most effective way to give yourself a time out may be found here.  It is similar to a time out you would give a child, but with some differences.  It involves picking your time out spot, making sure your children know where you are going, setting a reasonable time limit, taking deep breaths, explaining to your children why you needed a time out, etc.  I encourage anyone reading this to at least look it over.

While I may never fully learn the best ways to respond to my teenager/bipolar son (whichever hat he is wearing in that moment) I am going to strive to follow my own advice more often.  If for no other reason, so that Jason will know that I love him too much to engage in a shouting match with him.  I don't want to hurt him, and I am the adult.  I know that words spoken in anger are regrettable.  I'm not saying it won't be hard work, but I can say that I am not tired of doing it, yet!

Heaven & Hell

As with all children, Jason has two sides: heaven and hell.  He has a super sweet side that is completely loving and considerate.  For example, I will never forget something Jason did after one of his birthday parties.  Jason (as usual) had received all kinds of birthday presents, and he also got alot of money.  One of the kids that was at his party was in a family that had been struggling financially after his parents had split up.  Jason had already been told by his grandparents that they would take him to Toys "R" Us once his party had ended to spend the money that was already burning a hole in his pocket!  He asked if the other kid could come with him, and, of course, I told him he could.  When Jason and his friend arrived back home, I noticed that both boys had new things.  A little while later, my dad told me that he wanted to talk to me.  He said that when Jason and his friend arrived at the store Jason pulled my dad to the side and asked him if it would be okay if he used some of his own birthday money to buy something for his friend.  Of course, my dad said he could.  Jason bought the other kid a watch and a couple of other toys.  I couldn't believe Jason was so self-less.  It was a wonderful, warm-fuzzy feeling!

On the other hand, Jason has a very different side to him.  He can be very mean when he is having an outburst, or rage.  When Jason is raging anything and everything is fair game.  He will bring up instances in the past to try to hurt me emotionally, or sometimes he will just throw or kick things.  Nothing is off-limits.  Fortunately for him, he usually doesn't remember anything he has done or said.  He knows he did something wrong, but he isn't quite sure what he did.  Nevertheless, he is always very apologetic.  Unfortunately for me, I do remember the entire episode, and it hurts, at times.  I wish I could emotionally turn off my brain so that it doesn't effect me as much.  Overtime, I have become more and more able to tune out most of the rage, but I am still human.

Jason and I watched a show on the Discovery Health channel called "Bipolar Mysteries."  The show is about four families that each have children that struggle with bipolar disorder, and Jason was shocked at how similar he truly was to most of the children in the show.  To view a clip of the program click here.  One thing he found interesting was that each of their parents/grandparents had videotaped the children during a rage/outburst.  Interestingly, Jason asked that I begin to record him during some of his rages so that he can see what he is like when he experiences them.  I have agreed to do that for him.  I will update at a later date about the outcome of Jason being able to view himself having an outburst.

On a lighter note, this past weekend we celebrated Jason's very belated 13th birthday.  He was in Meridell at the actual time of his birthday, so I promised him we would have a big party once he was out.  We went to Hurricane Harbor, and we had the best time!  If you are reading this and you were there with us, thank you so much for your love and support of Jason.  We appreciate you all so very much!

Welcome!

My name is Ashley.  I am happily married to my husband, Jeremy.  We have been married for three years.  We have two sons.  Jason, who is 13, and Evan, who is 2.  Our son, Jason, struggles daily with an extremely misunderstood and complicated mental illness, known as Bipolar Disorder.

A little background:  I was 16 years old when I found out that I was pregnant with Jason.  Two weeks after my 17th birthday, on April 15th, Jason came into this world.  He was a beautiful baby...of course, I am biased! :)  Very early in Jason's life, I began to notice "differences" about him when compared to other children.  One minute he would be overly excited to the point of annoying to the other kids, and the next minute he would be in the corner sulking and crying.  Now, I know some might say that those could be typical behaviors of very young children, but those behaviors have never fully subsided.  Jason was originally diagnosed as having ADHD, and he was given small doses of medication for that.  But as Jason began to get a little older and he began having more trouble in school, it became more and more obvious that what he was battling was much more than just ADHD.  At 9 years old, Jason began vandalizing school property, becoming more agitated and violent at home, and it was clear that he was socially very different from other children in school.  I decided that I needed help...in a big way!  I was able to get Jason into a psychiatrist through Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth.  After several sessions and observations, his psychiatrist diagnosed Jason with having mood disorder, or more specifically, Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder.

After days and days of researching this illness, it became very clear that she was right.  Jason fit every detail of Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder.  And, as devastating as it is to hear a label as serious as this on your child, it was a relief, as well.  For so many years, I questioned whether or not I was a bad mom.  I wondered if the young age that I gave birth to Jason left me ill-equipped with the knowledge and wisdom that only life experience can give to a woman to help her become a better mother.  And, while I know that I have made mistakes as a young mom (I am now 30 years old), I am also reassured that most of Jason's daily struggles stem from faulty wiring in his brain that is completely out of my control...or his.

We consistently arrived at every appointment.  We drove 2 1/2 hours to the doctor's office, and we drove 2 1/2 hours back home once every six weeks for several years.  Sometimes we arrived with good reports of improvements, and sometimes with bad reports, but we never faltered.  Ultimately, it wasn't enough.  Jason was getting older and maturing in a way that boys do around 12 years of age.  Puberty was hitting Jason like a ton of bricks...and it was making his illness significantly worse.

It all came to a head one day at school when another young man was tapping on the lunch table.  Jason was steadily getting annoyed by this (which, ironically, he annoys us by doing all the time!), and asked the kid to stop.  The kid just ignored Jason's request and kept tapping.  Jason doesn't really remember what happened next, but, as the school police officer (who was standing right in front of the action) told it, Jason jumped up from his seat and pinned the kid to the floor.  Needless to say, when I got the call from the school my heart dropped.  Jason was so terrified about what happened.  I will never forget the look in his eyes when I got to the school.  Not only did he react in such an extreme way, but he didn't even remember doing it.  Fearing more outbursts, I admitted him into a facility.  After a short two week stint at that psychiatric facility about 90 miles from home, I tried home-schooling Jason, but that just made things worse.  It didn't give Jason an outlet for his pent-up energy, and he had an outburst almost everyday.

Finally, his psychiatrist recommended a place that she felt he would benefit from.  We completed all the necessary paperwork and insurance hassles, and on February 9, 2010 Jason was admitted into Meridell Achievement Center.  When he was admitted my husband and I were told that his stay could be as long as 6 months...maybe more.  I drove 3 hours there and 3 hours back once a week for 5 straight months just to visit him and participate in family therapy (with the exception of a week or two due to poor behavior on Jason's part).  I went through a major depression and feeling of loss when Jason left.  It felt like our family wasn't whole, and it wouldn't be until Jason returned home.  Meridell proved to be such a blessing for us.  On July 5, 2010 I made that long drive for the last time, and this time I came home with my son.

Jason has made vast improvements, but he still has a long way to go.  While at Meridell, it was determined that Jason also suffers from something called Cerebral Dysrhythmia.  He will have to be on medication and be in counseling for the rest of his life.  And that is why I am writing this blog.  It is all about what is coming up ahead, and how we are coping with Jason's illness on a daily basis...our ups & downs.